all is not as it should be

 I sometimes get the sneaky suspicion that all is not as it should be in my life.  I think a lot of this comes from an unsettling disappointment I have about myself.  Some of this disappointment is neurotic.  Like when I want to impress someone with my intelligence and my words come out all jumbled up or I stutter. 

 

Some of my disappointment is silly.  I would love to always look like I just finished up with a GQ photo shoot, looking very charming and debonair. 

 

Then there’s the deeper disappointment that I have a real tuff time with.  When I look at my two sons as they play outside on their bikes and I think of the kind of father I want to be for them.  I want to make lasting impression on them, so that when they look back on their childhood and they can remember a childhood that came straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  I want to make believe with them, making all their dreams come to life.  I want to catch lighting bugs with them in the hot summer nights.  I want to take long bike rides with them. 

 

I look at them through the den window as I am on the computer doing schoolwork as they are riding their bikes  and I’m reminded of how the day really went.  I remember them fighting over who gets to be first on a Wii game and me telling them to be quite so that I can work, to busy to show them how to resolve a conflict. I remembered how stern I got with my youngest son, Nole, when he didn’t do exactly as I told him getting mad and making threats – just because I’m his father and I can.  I remember the fear and hurt I saw in his eyes as lashed out at him.  I remember instead of catching lighting bugs I hurried them inside to take a bath, so that I could have a moment to myself.  I’m so disappointed in myself at times. 

 

I’m also disappointed in myself not just as a father, but also as a husband, son, and friend at times.  I know that my life was created for so much more than just being overwhelmed with work and school.  I have a purpose in life; I have an opportunity to do something great with my life as we all do. 

 

I am disappointed that I don’t love God more and willfully sin so much against him.  I can get insanely jealous if someone I know succeeds more than I.  I am disappointed at how petty and shallow I can be at times.  I can lead people to believe that I have it all together and yet I feel like at times my world is falling apart. 

 

These are just some of my disappointments.  I have darker ones that I am too ashamed to admit, as I’m sure we all do.  So why do so many others and I feel this way?  Some may say it is a lack of self-esteem, this may be true in part – but as I get a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I believe it is a deeper problem.  One that lurks deep within our soul, that we don’t like to admit, which is a failure to be the person God first called me to be.

 

I feel if I had always pursued God as my two boys pursue life, I would not feel such disappointment as I do.  Although as an adult I have forgotten what it was like to dream big dreams as a child.  I have forgotten what it is like to give God my all, as my boys do when they play.  If I were to do that then I would be in a much better place as a father, husband, son, and friend.  I would be more of the man that God first called me to be.  So for all my disappointments I am glad my God is a God of second and third chances, so it is my prayer today that I would seize all the little opportunities He has given me to be the person He intended me to be.

Pouring into my kids

I try to pour into my kids lives every opportunity I get, hoping my words and actions are teaching them to be Godly boys.  Last night I saw that they are actually listening to what I have to say.

 

Last night as I was in pain from what I thought was another kidney stone, I hear Nole say from his bed, “Daddy, what is wrong?”  Knowing what had happened to me the last time I had one he said, “ouch, I hope it doesn’t hurt too bad”.  Then about five minutes latter he calls out to me again saying, “Daddy, I have been praying to God that you would have any more pain”.  From that moment on, I really didn’t worry whether or not I had another kidney stone because I was so proud of my son for taking the initiative to pray for someone else other than himself. 

 

I was bubbling over with joy that my kids are actually getting it! What Alison and I are trying to teach them is not going in one ear and out the other!  It also shows me that they are starting to acknowledge that God is real and that He cares for his children.  “Rock On” Nole with your bad self “Rock On”!