looking into the mirror

Have you ever taken a picture of yourself looking into a mirror? Try it sometime and look at the picture throughout the week it is a reflection of what others see when they look at you, at least the outside reflection anyway. There are times I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am taken aback at what I see. “Hey look at that! I look like I have it all together. I look handsome, cool, and in charge.”

But all is not what it seems.  The other day when I took this picture, I was in a pissie mood, I felt like I had no joy inside of me.  I thought for sure I’d see a monster looking back at me.  “Who was this man looking at me I thought?”

Then I was reminded of James 1:22-25

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror 24 and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like. 25 But those who look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continue in it—not forgetting what they have heard but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. (TNIV)

It’s easy to forget the nice guy in the mirror. As soon as I walk away from the mirror I forget what I saw and I start barking out orders to my kids and get a little spiteful towards my wife.

That is why the time I spend with God is so important.  He needs to be the mirror I look into.  At least two or three times a week I blog about my life, the questions I have, my fears, my likes and so forth.  In a sense I am saying Lord remind me who I really am.

Then the chaos of life comes at me from every direction and distractions try to compete for my time.  “Oh, I should be more like this person. Or man I wish I had what he got. Or my family needs to do this then we’d be the perfect family.”

My blog is full of question and concerns I have for the church and myself.  And you know what’s scary, if you look back at some of my post a year or a year and a half ago; I still had the same questions then.  Maybe, I worded them differently but there still there.  Why, if what God says is true, do I not apply it to my life and move on?

I believe some of this is because of the broken world we live in, we will never fully be able to comprehend our or the churches full potential because we can’t fully understand God’s fullness.  We see things in a blur.  We get just little glimpses before the enemy grabs our attention.  Until Christ returns to this world, we are only going to get half the picture.

I must admit, I am more aware of this fallen world we live in, I realize that some struggles I may have to deal with for a while.  What I need to do is look in the mirror of God as often as I can, so I can catch glimpses of what He has in store for me.  It won’t be easy, but who ever said life was going to be easy.  I just need God’s mirror close by.

Why do children suffer?

I was at the dentist office where my wife works at the other day so that my son could get his teeth cleaned.  While there I noticed a little boy about 7 with a cleft lip.  It looked to me to be pretty bad, but my wife told me later the little boy has had reconstructive surgery already.  I don’t know why but my heart just broke for this little guy. I can only imagine the teasing and torture he will have to endure in school – all for something that is out of his control.

I found myself asking why would God allow a defect like that to happen. This world is cruel enough.  A person does not need one more thing wrong with them for people to make fun of them.  Now, I know all the canned things some people will say like, “well, that is the result of a sin filled world” or “we are not perfect here on earth but in heaven our bodies will be all healed and perfect.”  I know these things to be true, but I still can’t help to wonder why something like this has to happen to an innocent little boy.

I do know one thing as a result of seeing him. I have been praying for him that God would protect him, watch over him, and even give him a special blessing. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is I know that children hold a special place in God’s heart and yet He allows tragic things to occur in their lives like He does for us, as adults.  We see that birth defects and such all throughout God’s creation.  Maybe some of it is to grab our attention, to make us aware that this world is not perfect and that we should not be happy here.  And even better, maybe little children that do have defects are put here on earth to remind us to see others through God’s eyes and even in a deformity we are all created in God’s image and are beautiful.

all is not as it should be

 I sometimes get the sneaky suspicion that all is not as it should be in my life.  I think a lot of this comes from an unsettling disappointment I have about myself.  Some of this disappointment is neurotic.  Like when I want to impress someone with my intelligence and my words come out all jumbled up or I stutter. 

 

Some of my disappointment is silly.  I would love to always look like I just finished up with a GQ photo shoot, looking very charming and debonair. 

 

Then there’s the deeper disappointment that I have a real tuff time with.  When I look at my two sons as they play outside on their bikes and I think of the kind of father I want to be for them.  I want to make lasting impression on them, so that when they look back on their childhood and they can remember a childhood that came straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  I want to make believe with them, making all their dreams come to life.  I want to catch lighting bugs with them in the hot summer nights.  I want to take long bike rides with them. 

 

I look at them through the den window as I am on the computer doing schoolwork as they are riding their bikes  and I’m reminded of how the day really went.  I remember them fighting over who gets to be first on a Wii game and me telling them to be quite so that I can work, to busy to show them how to resolve a conflict. I remembered how stern I got with my youngest son, Nole, when he didn’t do exactly as I told him getting mad and making threats – just because I’m his father and I can.  I remember the fear and hurt I saw in his eyes as lashed out at him.  I remember instead of catching lighting bugs I hurried them inside to take a bath, so that I could have a moment to myself.  I’m so disappointed in myself at times. 

 

I’m also disappointed in myself not just as a father, but also as a husband, son, and friend at times.  I know that my life was created for so much more than just being overwhelmed with work and school.  I have a purpose in life; I have an opportunity to do something great with my life as we all do. 

 

I am disappointed that I don’t love God more and willfully sin so much against him.  I can get insanely jealous if someone I know succeeds more than I.  I am disappointed at how petty and shallow I can be at times.  I can lead people to believe that I have it all together and yet I feel like at times my world is falling apart. 

 

These are just some of my disappointments.  I have darker ones that I am too ashamed to admit, as I’m sure we all do.  So why do so many others and I feel this way?  Some may say it is a lack of self-esteem, this may be true in part – but as I get a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I believe it is a deeper problem.  One that lurks deep within our soul, that we don’t like to admit, which is a failure to be the person God first called me to be.

 

I feel if I had always pursued God as my two boys pursue life, I would not feel such disappointment as I do.  Although as an adult I have forgotten what it was like to dream big dreams as a child.  I have forgotten what it is like to give God my all, as my boys do when they play.  If I were to do that then I would be in a much better place as a father, husband, son, and friend.  I would be more of the man that God first called me to be.  So for all my disappointments I am glad my God is a God of second and third chances, so it is my prayer today that I would seize all the little opportunities He has given me to be the person He intended me to be.

Are we spiritually incompetent beings?

Those of us that long for God and take our spiritual life very seriously always experience periods of spiritual darkness and loneliness. Is it just part of the spiritual quest for Christians? 

 

Sometimes we may feel overwhelmed with God’s grace and kindness.  Other times we may feel distant from God.  We know this happens to all Christians from time to time and Saint John calls these times the “dark night of the soul”.  At times our “night” seems darker and deeper than others, why is that?

 

Could the “dark night” just be a reminder that we are spiritually incompetent and in constant need of a Redeemer?  What are our thoughts?

Pouring into my kids

I try to pour into my kids lives every opportunity I get, hoping my words and actions are teaching them to be Godly boys.  Last night I saw that they are actually listening to what I have to say.

 

Last night as I was in pain from what I thought was another kidney stone, I hear Nole say from his bed, “Daddy, what is wrong?”  Knowing what had happened to me the last time I had one he said, “ouch, I hope it doesn’t hurt too bad”.  Then about five minutes latter he calls out to me again saying, “Daddy, I have been praying to God that you would have any more pain”.  From that moment on, I really didn’t worry whether or not I had another kidney stone because I was so proud of my son for taking the initiative to pray for someone else other than himself. 

 

I was bubbling over with joy that my kids are actually getting it! What Alison and I are trying to teach them is not going in one ear and out the other!  It also shows me that they are starting to acknowledge that God is real and that He cares for his children.  “Rock On” Nole with your bad self “Rock On”!

“A friend of sinners”

I was reminded the other day that Jesus was accused of being “a friend of sinners”.  That was supposed to be an insult to Christ. But it turns out to be a great source of hope to all of us.  We all know we are full of sin and fall short of God’s glory, but God is gracious.  God in His grace allowed Jesus to hang out with unrespectable people.  So I am just thinking here out loud, if our congregations are full of respectable people – then could it be said that we have not truly grasped the radical grace of God.  Just a thought, any comments.