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It was Freudian psychology that really made ego a popular term. It describes one’s personality and in many cases the guilt that is often times associated with a person’s ego.
I have walked in my fair share of guilt. I have rolled in it. Put it in a backpack and carried it everywhere I went. Guilt raises its ugly head when I think I am being less than perfect. And for some reason I trick myself into thinking that beating myself up over coming up short is going to make me feel better. Wrong.
So I turn to my faith often times and say, “Look at how terrible you are. God, I am so sorry I am like this”, is a holy thing. Why do I continue to participate in the endless cycle of crucifying myself over my guilt? I remember a person saying, “what you do in any given moment is the best you can do. If you could have done better, you would have”. I don’t know if that’s good doctrine or not or just a way of letting yourself off the hook, but for now I am going with that.
It’s hard at times to be sold out to my beliefs and passions because I might fail and if I fail the guilt sets in. It comes in like a twelve-foot closeout wave, tumbling me in the white water of a wave that I know I should never have tried to surf, until it pushes me onto the shore where I arise out of the water battered and bruised.
Since I am scared of failure, I like to say, “I’ll give it a try”, that’s really just a copout. I’ll try to love my wife the way God loves the Church, I’ll try to be a good dad, I’ll try to get in shape.” I have found that “I’ll try” if I’m honest with myself is “I don’t believe I’ve got what it takes to make it happen”.
Really guilt is just the reaction of my Ego. And when I react to my guilt I am only feeding the uneasiness I already feel. It is my Ego that is concerned about how others see me. It is my Ego that makes me O.C.D. in a lot of areas of my life. It is my Ego that gets pissed when I fail at something. It is my Ego that is ill logical and it goes like this, “Good Christians never stumble, never sin. You had a fleeting thought you must not be a good Christian.”
A person’s Ego can make a person do or not do a lot of things out of fear. Like why can’t I just lay it out there to a good friend that I might have a sin that I am struggling with, why can’t I be more real with others (why can’t we all)? I only let people know what I want them to know about me no more or no less. And the times I feel like I can open up to a friend my Ego tells me, “you’ve done it now they think you’re a nut”. Like a child, my Ego always wants to get it’s way and sadly it usually does.
But I’ve realized something recently when my Ego raises its ugly head, instead of trying to fight it I let it take it’s course. Then I pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that my Ego is part of who I am, for better or worse, and has molded me in many ways into the person I am today. But I am the owner of my Ego; I don’t have to partake in its silly games if I don’t want to. And I no longer engage in the nonsense of guilt because I am aware of my Savior’s grace and how he will make time stand still for me if I need it to.
To be free, you have to see yourself as being good enough, today, tomorrow, and even in your not so flattering past. We have all got to stop saying I’ll be Ok later and realize we are Ok now.
When I fall, I know that God is there for me and the fall doesn’t seem quite as bad.
The next step is to chill out on every body else and let them wrestle with their own Ego. Maybe I can even share with them a little grace a long the way.
Sometimes the advice we give to others is the very advice we need ourselves. We would be wise to listen when we speak.
As well, sometimes the advice others offer us doesn’t seem to fit because they are actually telling themselves something they need to hear. Feel no obligation to take the advice. Take it or leave it, but don’t resent it. You may just be the sounding board a friend requires to echo back the message they most need to hear.
Saying all this, I of course, have said what I most need to hear. Take my advice or leave it.
If I had the courage today….
I would allow more emotions to show
I would allow more people to see my art
I would sing a beautiful song to my wife
I would speak my mind more than I do
If you had more courage today,
what would you do?
You have two paths to choose in life.
One is closer to God.
The other further away from God.
Unfortunately there is no middle ground.
I like many others thought there was a middle ground.
But I found out later that I was actually moving further away.
Now I choose to move forward closer to God.
From time to time I find a song that speaks exactly how I am feeling and this song by Delirious did just that. It’s amazing how a song can do that to you, I’ve heard this song before, but when I heard it this week it blew me away and humbled me. I hope it will do the same for some of you.
“Find me in the river” by Delirious
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I’ve walked against the water
Now I’m waiting if you please
We’ve longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you’re gone and I’m cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I’m waiting here
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I’ve walked against the water
Now I’m waiting if you please
We didn’t count on suffering
We didn’t count on pain
But if the blessing’s in the valley
Then in the river I will wait
Let’s be honest. I know over the past 8 months I sucked at my blog by not posting anything. I wish I could say that I was fasting from blogging and tweeting, but I’d be lying. The truth is the last 8 months was hard for me not having a full time job, trying to become self employed with my audio video work, going back to school, & so forth. But I think I am over the self-pity and the woe is me attitude. I really need this blog as an outlet; a place to vent, share ideas, & hear what’s going on in other peoples lives. So I am back, don’t know how long, don’t want to make any promises.
Hope that you all will take me back!
It’s fairly early in the morning. I’m sitting here writing this blog, soaking up some time to ponder, some time to ask God questions, some time to sip on some coffee and then I start to think of what I need to do today. And then I hear it, a mower. It starts up somewhere in the distance, breaking into my silence and I find myself relieved that I am not alone.
I know I am not alone because somewhere someone is mowing.
Sometimes there is great value in just knowing there is someone else alive and moving and trying to attempt this thing called life.
Today, how would you finish this sentence, I know I am not alone because…
Is Church and worship all about what God can give us…
Or is it about desiring all of God…
Wanting all of Him…
When we worship Him…
Do we give Him are all…
Would God say I felt the love…
Somehow we have gotten Church out of whack…
We want to feel good…
To get our needs meet…
But what about God…
God’s desire…
God’s will for the church service…
Sometimes it’s good to let go…
Have no order of service…
Other than to worship the Lord…
To give Him our very best…
As I reflect on my life I see that I have had some tough times, but all in all it’s been really comfortable, especially as a Christian. All the pages of history show us that to be a Christian is really a hard road to go down. They were persecuted, tortured, and even killed for their faith. Thank God none of us have to experience that today, at least not here in America.
I wonder what our forefathers would think of our comfortable lives we live today? Would they think our faith has turned into selfish religion? Past saints would probably not be able to understand what we have turned Christianity into.
Many are growing tired of the me-centered religion and are trying to live a more selfless life style focused more on others. There is a trend where people are starting to look at their faith and what it really means to be a Christ follower and how that plays out in our day-to-day lives. Some are finding out that living in the rat race and all the materialism that goes along with it is not all what it is cracked up to be. They are starting to give more, more of their time, more of their money, and more of their love to others. They are starting to realize that a tight community is more important than isolating themselves in their nice manicured suburbs. They are trying to break through and be real with others and their selves in a way that they never have before.
This movement is starting in the 20 to 30’s year olds. Many in this age group are starting to reject apathy and not just by the same old way that our parents did by doing charity work. Often times the charity work we Americans do is self-centered a good old pat on the back, “look at what I did for this person” and then going back to your normal life of forgetting about the poor and the oppressed for a while.
The people that are starting this movement realize that they must totally change the way they live. To be outwardly focused instead of inwardly focused is a daily commitment to Jesus teachings and asking Him to see the world as He sees it. It is putting others before yourself.
It’s opening our eyes to the world we live in. It will take a long time to eradicate the sex trafficking of young children, or help those in Haiti. But we are called to help in these areas if we can. The Christian life should be all about getting out of our comfort zones, the Christian life should be hard and willing to go the extra mile. Does this mean you need to pack up and move to Zambia? No, you just need to listen to what God is telling to do and then do it.
God gives us tons of opportunities to serve Him while helping those around us. Is there an elderly lady that needs her grass cut this summer? How about volunteering some of your time to mentor a child? There are lots of needs right in your community all you have to do is look for opportunities.
These things push us into being uncomfortable. You may ask what does being uncomfortable have to do with being a Christian. Comfort is all about us. By doing things that make us uncomfortable for the Lord, it pushes us to think less about us. The result we are becoming more like a true Christ follower, we are starting to see the world through Christ eyes.
How different would we look if we starting embracing uncomfortable and sacrifice. Getting rid of the good life! Everyday we should seek out ways to be more like Christ and have a desire to take on His characteristics concerning the world we live in.
