It was Freudian psychology that really made ego a popular term. It describes one’s personality and in many cases the guilt that is often times associated with a person’s ego.
I have walked in my fair share of guilt. I have rolled in it. Put it in a backpack and carried it everywhere I went. Guilt raises its ugly head when I think I am being less than perfect. And for some reason I trick myself into thinking that beating myself up over coming up short is going to make me feel better. Wrong.
So I turn to my faith often times and say, “Look at how terrible you are. God, I am so sorry I am like this”, is a holy thing. Why do I continue to participate in the endless cycle of crucifying myself over my guilt? I remember a person saying, “what you do in any given moment is the best you can do. If you could have done better, you would have”. I don’t know if that’s good doctrine or not or just a way of letting yourself off the hook, but for now I am going with that.
It’s hard at times to be sold out to my beliefs and passions because I might fail and if I fail the guilt sets in. It comes in like a twelve-foot closeout wave, tumbling me in the white water of a wave that I know I should never have tried to surf, until it pushes me onto the shore where I arise out of the water battered and bruised.
Since I am scared of failure, I like to say, “I’ll give it a try”, that’s really just a copout. I’ll try to love my wife the way God loves the Church, I’ll try to be a good dad, I’ll try to get in shape.” I have found that “I’ll try” if I’m honest with myself is “I don’t believe I’ve got what it takes to make it happen”.
Really guilt is just the reaction of my Ego. And when I react to my guilt I am only feeding the uneasiness I already feel. It is my Ego that is concerned about how others see me. It is my Ego that makes me O.C.D. in a lot of areas of my life. It is my Ego that gets pissed when I fail at something. It is my Ego that is ill logical and it goes like this, “Good Christians never stumble, never sin. You had a fleeting thought you must not be a good Christian.”
A person’s Ego can make a person do or not do a lot of things out of fear. Like why can’t I just lay it out there to a good friend that I might have a sin that I am struggling with, why can’t I be more real with others (why can’t we all)? I only let people know what I want them to know about me no more or no less. And the times I feel like I can open up to a friend my Ego tells me, “you’ve done it now they think you’re a nut”. Like a child, my Ego always wants to get it’s way and sadly it usually does.
But I’ve realized something recently when my Ego raises its ugly head, instead of trying to fight it I let it take it’s course. Then I pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that my Ego is part of who I am, for better or worse, and has molded me in many ways into the person I am today. But I am the owner of my Ego; I don’t have to partake in its silly games if I don’t want to. And I no longer engage in the nonsense of guilt because I am aware of my Savior’s grace and how he will make time stand still for me if I need it to.
To be free, you have to see yourself as being good enough, today, tomorrow, and even in your not so flattering past. We have all got to stop saying I’ll be Ok later and realize we are Ok now.
When I fall, I know that God is there for me and the fall doesn’t seem quite as bad.
The next step is to chill out on every body else and let them wrestle with their own Ego. Maybe I can even share with them a little grace a long the way.
